I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
