I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
