before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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