Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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