true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i drank out of a bidet.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
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