I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
