She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
