Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
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If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
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He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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