I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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