But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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