does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
