I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Randomize
