Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
