looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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