I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
