does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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