So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
