she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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