Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
love makes seman taste better
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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