Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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