Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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