when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
In America we eat man semen.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
