Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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