I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
