mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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