Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
