I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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