I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
