I think my fart just growled at me.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
