listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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