You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
