Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Sacagawea was the original milf.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
