I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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