if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
