You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
