Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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