Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
