We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
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Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
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My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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