Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
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