There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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