this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
