After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
