My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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