In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
