Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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