im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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