the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
