i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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