I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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