party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
