Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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