Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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