You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
