I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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