she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
being pregnant is like rehab
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
