My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
