so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
