I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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