We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
