My cat gives me a boner
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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