So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
