that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
