Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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