I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
