My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
