My Higher Power is John Stamos
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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