Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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