So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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