the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
