she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
