if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
