the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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